I Lost On Jeopardy!...No, Seriously, I Did

One of the obvious drawbacks to my freelance existence is that I don't always check the calendar to see what the date is. This can create myriad issues--from allowing deadlines to creep dangerously close, all the way to letting anniversaries and special days pass by unnoticed.

And when I looked at my BlackBerry and noticed that today was the 19th of January I realized that it has been about a year since my taped episode of Jeopardy! was on television. I was home in Minnesota when it aired so I was able to watch with my parents which was exciting. The entire odyssey had started on a whim with an online test I took the day after I was laid off--literally. From there I went to a casting session in Boston in May and then Jeopardy! called in October of 2008 and invited me to LA for a taping in November of 2008. And by the way, there's no preparing you for how you'll look on television, or how annoying your little nervous habits can be--putting your hair behind your ear or pushing up your glasses--over the course of 22 or 23 stressful minutes. VERY stressful minutes.

Everyone at home who yells out answers to Jeopardy! questions from their davenports knows that some days the category gods are with you and other days they are just plain cruel. In the days leading up to my flying to LA to tape the show I was practicing, as they suggest you do, with a clicky ball-point pen and answering questions along with the TV show. (Yeah, that's how I roll...MANY nights spent in front of the TV watching Jeopardy!, religious devotion to the NYT and WSJ crosswords, and friends emailing pop-quizzes.) More often than not there were categories I liked and felt confident about--and that should have been the first clue, the first little pebble from the universe that things might not go my way. (Come on, I'm Catholic, Scandinavian, German and Irish, what in that mix prepares you to think positively?!) In the theatre a rotten dress-rehearsal means a good opening night...and in Jeopardy! (in my experience, at any rate) good practice sessions did not mean a good show performance.

During those "practice games" at home, though, there was SO much possibility. Maybe I'd become a long running Jeopardy! champion a la Ken Jennings (okay, that was NEVER a serious possibility, but it was a fun fantasy to entertain) or I'd win enough money to buy part of a racehorse or the world's largest collection of Hermes scarves, custom riding boots, and Barbour jackets. Maybe I'd win enough to buy an old ChrisCraft or Garwood run-a-bout (think the Thayer IV boat in On Golden Pond.) And if I had won oodles and scads of money, I'd have started my own publishing company--one comprised of all the great and talented friends who had been laid off with me--and we'd bring together our favorite authors to have fun and do great work. All fun and frivolous things to contemplate, all still fantastically possible.

I think it was that pie-in-the-sky level of possibility, the realization of what today was, that got me thinking. How easy it was to see possibility then and how much harder it is today--with the incredible devastation of Haiti and the disappointing election in Massachusetts, possibilities are more difficult to focus on.

And that's the trick, I suppose. To find a way to see beyond the fog of disappointment and sadness to the myriad options, choices, and opportunities waiting off in the distance. I know all the possibilities are still there, even if I can't reach out and touch them at the moment, or even see them through the muddiness of my brain today. The extravagant monetary windfall surely didn't materialize, but the possibilities of those dreams--both silly and serious--live on as things to strive for, opportunities to continue to work for, Quixotic quests worth embarking upon.

Oh...so how DID my Jeopardy! day go? Well, not as well as I'd have liked--it was the first time the returning champion was too sick to return for the next game so I went on in her stead. It was all a bit frazzled and last minute, but it was great fun. The categories were not really up my alley and I never did really get the hang of the buzzer. I did, however, correctly answer a Daily Double and I did very well in the Potent Potables category (no shock there) and in a word category and I answered Final Jeopardy correctly. And happily, the young man who did win my game went on to win several more games, deservedly so.

To Thine Own Self Be True

I was watching Fox's Glee earlier tonight and was reminded of how much we all crave acceptance. (The show, by the way, is okay. However, I think the pregnancy faking wife and the pregnant "abstinent" cheerleader story lines are kind of tired, in my opinion, and there was a point I was kind of waiting/hoping for Kanye West to show up during the many All the Single Ladies dance sequences.) Whether it's applying for jobs, meeting new 'networking contacts' (okay, that phrase alone gives me hives) or just fitting in, we all crave a level of acceptance. Even the people who are right now shaking their head saying "everyone else maybe, but not me..." want some level of acceptance and validation.

I guess what made me think of this was the young gay character on the show...he lied to his father and said he was working out and trying out to be the kicker on the football team. The football lie came from one of his fellow Glee-Clubbers and it was all an effort to impress and garner acceptance from his football loving straight father. At any rate, he turns out to be a real boon to the team and a good kicker as well. It all ends happily, father accepts gay son and son joyfully has pleased his father. (Sorry if it sounds cynical...but I'm summarizing here!)

This not-untried story line started me thinking about the lengths so many of us go to in the name of acceptance. This young man, a true 'glee-clubbing fabulous friend of Dorothy' went as far as trying out for the football team to carry out a ruse and in doing so gain his father's love/acceptance. In our every day lives, we often have to make sacrifices to fit in. Whether it's not mentioning the glaring error a colleague made or not owning your life and it's truths...we all do it. It can be covering your light with the proverbial basket so as not to outshine someone, or just living an untrue existence.

In pressure filled situations it is so easy to succumb to wanting to say or do what is expected. When someone asks why you're not married (this one is my particular favorite) it's so easy to give stock answers. The truth is for me that it's not important to me. It doesn't define the relationship my boyfriend and I have. We love each other and don't feel the need to be married. But given a social situation it's often simpler to comment on commitment issues, timing, or location. The few times I've actually said what I felt and what I wanted I was greeted with blank stares and polite smiles. (Seriously, the comment running through my head was more like: "Really, this is what interests you about me? Not what I'm doing in NY or what book I'm working on? This is your burning curiosity? As if...")

I'm an only child with great need for space and ME time--could that sound more selfish?? But in all honesty I'm not terribly outgoing or gregarious--I'm generally more at home being the scribbling observer. Don't get me wrong--I love being with my boyfriend, but don't need or want him here all the time. Not pretty, perhaps, but the truth. I'm fine with me and while I love our "US" time, we're both just fine doing what we need to do. I'm not sure my parents always understand this, but they are supportive and seem to have accepted that their daughter doesn't do things the conventional way. They'd likely tell you that I never have and while they'd probably prefer it was otherwise, they deal with my eccentricities pretty well, all things considered. Thanks for that, Mom and Dad.

As you've gleaned from my previous posts, I spent a lot of time in a job that I should have left. Had I really been faithful to my ideals and true to myself, I'd have looked after my interests much more closely. I wasn't my own best advocate and I'll always regret that. I look back at so many times where I should have said something or done something but I didn't because I was afraid of how it would look. Honestly, I roll my eyes just thinking about me then!

So what's the right answer? Tell people what they want to hear or announce your truth to the discomfort of others? Both, neither...you decide. I've begun to believe that our own personal truths have to become MORE self-evident. It's not worth it to try to tailor your life or feelings to someone else's agenda. Understand, I'm not saying anyone should just act out every thought or emotion--it's just fine to have unexpressed thoughts and emotions. I'm just saying that whenever possible--meaning whenever we don't damage or impinge upon the truth or life of another--we should be true to who we are, what we need to survive. (And by the way, we all have VERY different needs. What is okay for me won't fill your bill.)

I was a weird kid who took Latin and read the New Yorker and Town & Country...in a smallish town in Minnesota. I fell in love with medieval literature and studied the cathedral architecture of Europe. I'm not "normal." My friends and family love me for/in spite of all this. They know I love my cocktails and my odd little historical facts, and that I'm as happy in an 18th century French Chateau as I am at the beach...with books at both places, of course.

My mini-manifesto, with apologies to Jerry McGuire, is this:
1. I love writing, whether it's about horses, clothes, silly situations I get myself into or whatever else might cross my mind.
2. I need my alone time and am perfectly okay by myself.
3. I love going to the movies and watching some bad TV.
4. I think books are both transformative and transportive--they can change your life.
5. I love French table wine, good cheese and crisp, tart apples.
6. The only champagne I'm at all interested in is made by The Widow Clicquot, in a manner of speaking.
7. I admire Europeans for their slowness in eating and drinking and spending time with friends. I love Americans for their unbridled confidence and sense of possibility.
8. Ideas are among the most necessary and important things we have as a people.
9. Negative energy can kill almost anything.
10. Gin martinis, with extra olives, are one of the great bar-tending achievements of all time.
11. I will always want to know more.
12. There will never be enough time on horseback.
13. A part of me is always in France...my mind, my heart, my soul.
14. A part of me is always in Minnesota with my family and old friends.
15. A part of me cares what people who read this will think...a part of me doesn't.
16. I made it in NYC, for many years...you know how the song goes. I still think I can make it anywhere.
17. No time spent with horses is wasted time.
18. No time spent on the beach is wasted time.
19. No time spent on the NYT Sunday crossword is wasted time.
20. The 10 most important two-letter words: If it is to be, it is up to me.

There's other stuff of course, but hey, you should always leave an audience wanting more.

So be yourself...I'm going to. Want what you want, and ask for it. Need what you need, and ask for it. I'm not good at that part of it, but I'm getting better. I aspire to a wardrobe where I love everything in it. I aspire to be a good, solid rider. I want to work and make a difference, somewhere yet to be determined, I guess. I've had two amazing careers, one in museums and one in publishing and I'm not anywhere near done yet. There are things I still have to share with the world! (Or at least the two or three folks who read my ramblings regularly.)

I'll be wearing my Hermes scarves a bit jauntier this fall, and my lipstick a little darker. My nails are going to be matte in some cases and will likely be navy, gun metal gray or black. It's time for corduroys, suede, and Barbours. *Okay, waxed cotton is seasonless, but you get the idea*

On that note, go forth and enjoy yourself...I plan to have an exceptional autumn!

The Gifts of Late Summer

I spent today at the beach and was reminded how many and wonderful are the gifts of the final days of summer. The shadows are getting longer, the other beach-goers more scarce--it's part of the fun of the change of seasons. The baseball season is winding to a close and giving way to football. The Bruins poured the ice last week (ice that, some great deity willing, will still be hosting games into June 2010) at The Garden. Even horse racing has decamped from The Spa and moved back to the urban landscape of Belmont Park. And the newly released books that are filling shelves are taking on a decidedly more serious tone. Beach reads are being replaced with biographies, more serious fiction and of course, That Book. (You know who I mean--Robert Langdon returns to play lost and found with masonic symbology in Washington, D.C.!) Take heart, though, this does NOT mean the fun is over!

As I've grown older my reading interests and expectations have changed dramatically. I still like really good fiction--or what appeals to me as good fiction--as opposed to chick-lit, thrillers, or breezier novels. Of course I like the occasional mind-candy, but I'm increasingly interested in learning more about other people, how they've managed to be successful or how they've overcome the odds. It's more important to me at this stage of my life that I can understand where the characters are coming from, what motivates and moves them. How did they (real "they" or fictional "they") get from point A to point B? While I know that it's both impossible and inadvisable to map your path by way of someone else's landmarks, I also know that there's a lot to be learned via the written word. I'm not convinced it matters whether it's a fictional character that readers really connect with or the biography of a high-powered individual, there are things we can pick up to help us on the journey. And especially as a writer, it's beneficial to read other writers to see how they get the job done. It can be great inspiration and help to power through some nasty blocks, I've found.

So what have I been reading? What's up next on the reading list? (Part of that decision is dependent on my local public library!) Richard Russo is a huge favorite of mine and I'm going to be finishing Bridge of Sighs before moving on to anything else new. I read Straight Man (an absolute masterpiece), Empire Falls and That Old Cape Magic in the past few months so I've been on a sort of Russo marathon. I've also been reading the wonderful Eiffel's Tower, by Jill Jonnes. I'm a sucker for anything and everything Parisian, and she's done a marvelous job of not only giving a solid history, but making it lively and relevant, too. No easy task. Since I've already admitted to my weakness for all things Paris (actually it's all things French, but that's not the point here) I've also got a few Chanel related books waiting in the wings. Chanel: A Woman of Her Own looks quite interesting as does a smaller and cuter volume, The Gospel According to Coco Chanel. There's a pile of equestrian books--from tips on riding to a fantastic old history of The Great Dan Patch (the greatest harness-racing horse of all time, in my opinion) and a book on handicapping, too. I consider horse-related books to be my comfort food, my creamy mac and cheese, if you will. With the new Amelia Earhart movie scheduled for this autumn, there's sure to be both new books on the aviatrix as well as re-releases. Judith Thurman's excellent article in this week's New Yorker really made me want to know more about Earhart, so I'll be looking for those books in the coming weeks, too. I have a fondness for complicated characters--T.E. Lawrence, the Mitford Sisters, Wallis Simpson, and surely Earhart is in that group as well. All that said, though, the book I'm most looking forward to, though, is Ted Kennedy's recently released memoir. I'm in the queue for it at the library, but it's what I'm most jonesed about reading. I've got my highlighter and copper bookmark clips all ready!! And yes, I will be reading Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol, but I'm much farther down in the queue for that, so I'll be avoiding the spoilers online.

On the days when I've had trouble deciding what I wanted to post here or if I even had anything to post at all, I've pored over photography or art books. I love grabbing the Taschen book on Atget or Brassai and immersing myself in Paris; or leafing through a William Morris print book to be inspired by nature. And let's not forget, the amazing equine art of George Stubbs or Alfred Munnings. (My little profile avatar is from a Munnings print.) I'm lucky to have a large selection of these wonderful art-filled volumes, carefully collected and curated over the years. Whether it's a book of English Cathedrals or a volume on Hermes scarves, inspiration and wonder are definitely to be found in beautiful art, architecture or nature. Who can say what will spark an idea or inspire a rant?

I've loved the summer (what summer we actually had in the Northeast) but I'm really looking ahead to autumn. To darker colors and flame colored landscapes; to the earlier setting of the sun and the longer shadows. I'm ready for comfort fare and slow cooked dinners with hearty wines.

With Bridge of Sighs as my companion for the evening, I'm going to have a nice glass of wine and offer up thanks for the inspiring and comforting bounty of late summer.